24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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