Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
