This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
