She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
