dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
