How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It was confusing and full of hummus
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
