dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
