so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
