I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
