1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize