Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
40s are totally the cure
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
