One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
