nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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