I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
