not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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