I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I am one with the molecules
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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