omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
