I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Let's get the cat blown out
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
