I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it was like eating out sand paper
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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