if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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