You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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