I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
