Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
