He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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