It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
