seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
