Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize