...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
