Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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