look no pants
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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