so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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