I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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