I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
they're like a gay fantastic four
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
