3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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