i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
