i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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