you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
