she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
