just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
