Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Pants 0. Shit 1.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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