I just threw up on my dentist
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
