Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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