i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
