onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
