Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
