I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize