the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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