You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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