you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
