I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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