Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
