Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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