We're facebook friends in real life
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
