I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
