whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
