Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
