he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
