I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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