STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
